Apparently a Year Later (Where Does Time Go...) o.O

I've come through a lot in life. For example I've learned to type just as fast with a broken "c" key. It was a hurtle I'm telling you!! XD

I have in many ways let my health down but I am trying to do what is right for me and my children to bring that back up. My eldest daughter and I are taking baby steps to bring ourselves into focus (if you saw that bit of typing you'd be proud of my "c" move right there). We haven't been able to completely take everything toxic out of our lives, but it is the goal we are moving towards.

Just over a year ago my body gave out on me. It took me about four months to refover (<--- "c" fail...) from the effects of what had happened. It was a BIG eye opener for me and my eldest daughter. My younger daughter was a bit too young to really understand what was going on and I did everything in my power to not let it effect her in a negative way. I did a lot of thinking after I started getting back into life again. I knew there were things that I would have to change in order to completely heal. I believe I have always had a pretty open mind, but for this I did my best to get a bit further out there in order to look at myself from the outside and try to see what was really making my life crumble.

Today I am living a chemically cleaner life. I am starting to breath better by eating better. I do need to pick up the physical activity but it is a work in progress.

The biggest thing I need to do though is to be ok with me. I've spent so much of my life being who I thought everyone else wanted me to be. Going for what others wanted me to go for. Sure they may have worked out but deep down inside it was not what I really truly wanted for me. I started college heading for a career I was very good at but not completely happy with. I met someone that at the time seemed to be the perfect guy and even when things didn't seem to run smoothly I married him and we took in a baby together. Right now I love my family. Tam has been through so much with me and she and I are each others rock. I'll never truly pick sides on the whole idea that your child is NOT your friend, but Tam and I have good days and bad but in the end we are always together. We will fight the world together. Possibly until she finds true love and realizes he's her rock lol. I love my girls very much and I do feel like we are in a good place now.

I have been going through the emotional stages of a marriage separation. He and I won't be able to legally divorce until next fall and up until this time I have had nothing but contempt for him, but I do know that he is only human and that my feelings are my own. I am learning to accept the things that have up till now made me so very bitter and resentful towards him and to be ok with ME. I watched my younger daughter go through her stages as well. He and I are both working towards a positive life for her and in a way that makes it hard because it means we are still in need of communicating with each other, but we are doing well with it.

I'm feeling rather proud of myself today with the things I have accomplished within the past year. It has been a busy year indeed and I continue to move forward. I just wanted to get that off my chest (chest... chest... chest... no "c" fail THERE!!). :)

As It Happens

Well this morning I think I managed to sleep for about maybe half an hour... fourty five minutes if I'm lucky. My heart rate all night was balancing around 44bpm resting and would dip lower when I started to doze off. My oxygen saturation was at 98% which I'm guessing means the heart rate is technically ok but it was still freaky having it goes so low. As far as I know thats a new thing for me. So in the name of fear I didn't sleep too well. Also it seems whenever I did start to doze off I'd get a whopping heart palpitation. It would seem sleep just wasn't meant for me.

My ever loving husband got up with our toddler and got her ready for school so that I could try to get a bit more sleep. Didn't work out quite that way. I was wide awake again by then... 

Upon getting up I realized my heart rate was up past 100. I'd be at around 65, stand up and it would pop up to 103 in a matter of seconds. That kind of ruined my day. Again I'm not sure how bad that is but it worried me.

I had an appoinment with our local aboriginal health clinic this morning. I was feeling pretty low due to all that has been going on with me so when I went in I was crying. Got through the intake though. Will be getting set up with a councillor hopefully before the end of the week. I was kind of hoping for some direction with this but at least I'll have someone to talk to. It is councelling and not full on psychiatry. I can work with that. I hope...

Once I came home from the appoinment I went up to my daughters room and tried to take a nap. I have a mattress set up on her floor so when my husband is not around I can go chill with her. Yes I'm dependant on others at this point in the game. It sucks but I am glad I havea supportive family to help me through this. I think I dozed off a bit but not as much as I would have liked.

After I gave up trying to sleep I came down and started cooking dinner. While I was cooking my step daughter told me she had a heavy feeling in her chest and felt like she was a bit short of breath. I had my oximeter on so set it up and got her to put it on to see what her oxygen level was at. After minute I said ok lets see how it is. Her oxygen was 97% which is good but her heart rate was 150. All she had done was stand and cook bacon. I'm going to push her to go see the doctor. Have a physical. She has Renauds Syndrome and I hope this is not a negative symptom of it. 

Well I finished din din and am relaxing. Debating trying for a nap again. Might prove to be another sleepless night. My schedule is definitely getting messed up. 

Doctors..... Doctors?

As in many things about life I am sitting balancing on a fence. I think I will have leg sores from the continuous pressure to my butt sitting here before I come to a firm decision about anything that really matters for me. Sad isn't it? Yet I still have an opinion. I just try to be a bit liberal in my delivery. Or do I....

I can understand that a doctor is just another person. Someone who went to school to learn a hell of a lot more about the human body than I could ever hope to know. I also understand that depending where a doctor is taught be it his/her country, province/state, or even city, could alter to a degree what that particular doctor learn. Also different people have different passions so they would gravitate towards that area more than anything else. All in all this makes doctors seem more like fingerprints. No two doctors are the same. When a client finds him/herself a family doctor they have no idea what that doctor really has to offer. All the basics are there, but for tough cases has that doctor read up on the latest journals that could help dealing with it? Some doctors may cover all sorts of updates on health, but others more in their interest level. I believe it is entirely possible for a doctor to either have no clue about whats really going on. So many people go in to their doctors treating them like a god. Thinking they know it all and that whatever ails them WILL be fixed. Which is why when in some unfortunate cases it all goes wrong they feel the right to sue said doctor. I could never sue a doctor just for getting it wrong. I guess this is where it can get complicated though. There are some docs out there that don't really give a crap what they say or do. They are willing to prescribe anything to anyone for the right price and they are the one's that should be sued. The question is, if they are really good at playing the game how is one to tell? So what... just sue them all?
All I know at this point is, my doctor thinks she knows what is wrong with me, but she has no clue. I have no clue either and it really SUCKS that she isn't able to just pull a Lucy, touch me and just know exactly what's going on.

Deep Down In Here

In the end we're all alone with our struggles. 

I can understand how frustrating it can be to be on the outside trying to get in, but only being able to sit at the window and watch. Nobody really has any idea what your going through except you. Empathy is in the eye of the beholder because nobody knows the combination of emotions that are going through you at that particular time. Moments like that don't have to be awkward though.

Cry if you want to

I won't tell you not to.

I won't try to cheer you up,

I'll just be here If you want me.

It's no use in keeping a stiff upper lip,

You can weep, you can sleep

You can loosen your grip.

You can frown, you can drown

And go down with the ship.

You can cry if you want to.

Don't ever apologise venting your pain,

Its something to me you don't need to explain.

I don't need to know why,

I don't think it's insane.

You can cry if you want to.

The windows are closed,

The neighbours aren't home,

If it's better with me than to do it alone,

I'll draw all the curtains,

And unplug the phone

You can cry if you want to.

You can stare at the ceiling,

And tear at your hair,

Swallow your feelings,

And stagger and swear.

You can show things and throw things

And I wouldn't care.

You can cry if you want to.

I won't make fun of you.

I won't tell anyone.

I won't analyze what you do

Or you should have done.

I won't advise you to go and have fun.

You can cry if you want to.

Well it's empty and ugly

And terribly sad.

I can't feel what you feel,

But I know it feels bad.

I know that it's real

And it makes you so mad.

You can cry.

Cry if you want to,

I won't tell you not to.

I won't try to cheer you up.

I'll just be here if you want me to be near you.

-Holly Cole: Cry (if you want to)

If we can learn to accept that we can't understand everything those we love are going through then we can also learn to still sit with them while they are making this voyage regardless of how small we may feel in comparison to what they feel.

Take Your Meds!!

I'm probably writing/typing this half asleep, but this is the moment and we CAN'T let the moment pass! In about three minutes I've scheduled myself to do a workout like no workout I've done before, but that would be a lie. I did a work out with a trainer this past Friday that would put anything I've EVER done to shame. Hmmm I guess then what I mean to say is that HAS put anything i've ever done to shame. See? Half asleep...

This morning was a rough one. I woke up late and never did get in to talk to my bosses boss about the topic of taking three weeks off work for personal reasons. No it's not a vacation. It will be structured time where I will diligently form a working schedule for my body and soul to follow and hopefully successfully break free. Do I need to break free!! After unsuccessfully talking to Mr. Bossman I proceeded to talk to two other people within the chain of command. Among them my foreman. He has been quite understanding with my situation and on a couple occasions throughout our convo this morning my eyes teared up. Now THAT'S comfort... Actually no, that's just me being my usual wimpy self. Well tears and steel toe boots aside my hubby and I went home where I then gathered my daughters together so that I could drop the youngest off at preschool with the older being my current shoulder should I need it. Or in layman's terms, someone to perform CPR on me should I suddenly pass out from whatever ale's me and keep my body from expiring before I'm ready. We won't mention that part to her though. Fingers crossed she'd do it automatically should the need arise instead of standing there staring down at me wide mouthed and panicky. I love you my girl!! I love your company!! You know that. *hugs* After dropping the youngest off at school, we then took to the parkway and made our way over to our dr. office so I could make an appointment for either this week or next. I needed to get in there and spill my guts in all it's awkward glory! Then watch as she sits and mulls it over and finally tells me she'll send me for some more testing on some part of my body that has yet to be tested (sigh of relief) and then tell me therapy is not that far down the road. Apparently all paths lead to therapy. Managed to fit myself in next Monday. Just have seven more days to keep myself alive. Goals are my life!! SSAUM!! :D By this time it's around 9:30am and we are heading even further away from home to a mall where I can walk, sit, walk some more, hopefully sit more and allow my daughter to buy some much needed clothes. This is were things get sticky. We get to the mall, we walk, I sit, we walk some more and I start to feel like I just walked all the way up to the top of the CN tower. We took a break at the food court and grabbed a bite to eat. I managed to eat about 2/3 of my meal (quinoa with mango, chicken, zucchini, sweet potato and walnuts) and hardly any of my juice (carrot, pineapple, apple and kale). LUV IT!! but hate it... I had visions of passing out from lack of something (something that felt a lot like oxygen, but who knows...) and not being sure I'd wake up in the hospital or even worse on the floor of the mall where i fell. Scary s#@t! I asked my girl if we could go home and try again in the afternoon. She was good with that. We get in the car and I carefully make our way home thus ending yet another morning in the life of Mona's Apolis.  Whatever that might mean. Yeah... that was only the morning.

My afternoon was a lot better. My breathing came back though I was left with a heavy feeling in my chest that took most of the afternoon to dissipate. I sat at my computer, updated our budget (something I had apparently missed since around the end of October... oops!), decided to look up agoraphobia in depth and play a little Minecraft with my daughter. All in all it was a rather quiet afternoon. I did squeeze a call in to the ear, throat and nose dr to reschedule an appt I had to cancel a few months prior. I had swallowed a pumpkin seed and it must have been having a bad day of it's own because it was NOT having any of that nonsense! I felt it struggle the whole way down taking what felt like half the flesh in my throat with it. *sniff sniff*  I guess it was a blessing in disguise. I can now get my throat checked out and a) make sure it healed nicely and b) make sure there is nothing else wrong down there that could be causing breathing issues. End of Jan. My January is filling up. Since making the decision to take time off work I told my hubby I would take over driving our toddler to and from school without him in the car. Although I didn't say I wouldn't utilize the power of older children!! :D I know... too sly for words eh? So I recruited his daughter, since mine had gone to the local gym to work out, and we bustled on out to gather the two from the cold harsh world. The drive went quite well. It would seem that once I started to think possible agoraphobia, which means if that WERE what I was currently entangled in, then I probably wasn't about to keel over and die from some vitamin deficiency or other. Hmmmm coincidence or am I really headed for that therapy session? We gathered our happy weather girl, then moved on and scooped up the work out girl, headed home and proceeded to watch Dora with our ball of energy. I know... so many creative ways to make reference to the children. Yeah... it confuses me too.

So here I sit. After eating a filling din din (ribs cooked in pear sauce, potato's fried with peppers and a pineapple/orange juice to wash it down), I am now typing up my days events and feeling NO pain! o.O What's up with THAT?!?! I feel like I could rule the world now! Come back in half an hour... that could all change. :)